Virat Kohli Challenges Arnab Goswami To A Cuss Battle. Arnab Accepts. Invites Kohli To His Newshour Tirade!

Virat Kohli

Virat Kohli, at his girlfriend Anushka Sharma’s behest, intends to take on the juggernaut of Indian news. Anushka, who was already flustered after being blamed for Kohli’s ill-omened performance, apparently lost her marbles when she was apprised of Arnab’s comments.

“The expletives in Virat’s speech have dramatically increased since he heard Arnab’s comments regarding his performance. And it pains me to see him this way. It’s about time a real man locked horns with that pseudo-patriot of a reporter.” — Anushka Sharma

Arnab, on his popular show the Newshour Tirade, called team India’s performance shameful and trashed Kohli. Kohli, who believes himself to be a gentleman, is willing to restore his dignity and self-respect by doing what he does best — engaging in a war of vituperation and unbounded swearing.

“He’s been called names in his show in vain, but I want to see how he holds up when he’s riddled with my trademark cusses. He will accept my challenge if he is man enough and then, I will rip him apart.” — Virat Kohli

Kohli’s temper has been flaring and he apparently can’t wait to have a go at Arnab. He also wants to make his lady proud, who was subjected to harsh criticism over his cricketing display.

“Arnab, the obnoxious bully, is used to having his way on his show. But he has now messed with the wrong man. He humiliated me on national television and talked too much smack. And now, it’s time to settle the score.” — Virat Kohli

Arnab Goswami, upon learning of Virat’s challenge, had quite a lot to say as he usually does.

“How dare he challenge the real Indian patriot? He let 1.2523196218452 billion people down, whereas I protect the nation’s interests every night by passing my personal judgments, making a mockery of my guests on the Newshour Tirade, and living up to my reputation of a holier-than-thou answer seeker, all while sitting in the comfort of my cozy newsroom. Of all the people in the world, he calls me obnoxious? This is preposterous! And as far as his challenge is concerned, I accept! As long as the battle takes place in my newsroom.” — Arnab Goswami
Arnab Goswami

According to reliable sources, Kohli has been preparing for the epic battle by exchanging pleasantries with Gautam Gambhir on a regular basis. Over the years Gambhir has built a reputation of standing up for whatever he feels is right and is widely regarded as New Delhi’s premier recalcitrant. If his fans had any doubts about Kohli being ready for a stare down with Arnab, those doubts should now be put to rest as Kohli is clearly in great company.


As the nation prepares for yet another hour of tirade with Arnab, our correspondent Anshul caught up with a McDonald’s employee who claims that a visibly upset yet determined Arnab visited McDonald’s yesterday blabbering incoherently while ordering McAnswers for brunch.

TNN correspondent: So you are saying Arnab came here and seemed rather upset.
McDonald’s employee: He was upset, but he also seemed determined. He ordered two McAnswers and a diet coke to go with them. His eyes told a story, much like his tongue does on the news channel. The look on his face suggested he meant business.
TNN correspondent: For the benefit of our readers can you quote what he said to you as soon as he walked in?
McDonald’s employee: Sure. As he waited his turn in the queue, he became restless. After about 15 seconds of waiting in the queue his turn finally came. I asked him “Sir, what would you like to have?” and his response was pretty straightforward. He said “I want Answers. McAnswers. Two of them. And a diet coke.”

We will keep you updated as this story unfolds.

Author: Ramesh Ilangovan