TNN Leaks: Vladimir Putin Concocts A Secret Plan To Grant Russian Citizenship To All Vodka Drinkers
Moscow: In a major development, TNN has learnt of Russia’s plans for global domination. As per the plan Russia sees itself gaining more than a foothold, directly or indirectly, in a number of countries and creating a confederation of countries that has allegiance to Moscow.
The proposed confederation is expected to be bigger than the erstwhile USSR and would likely cover the world’s entire inhabitable land mass.
If Europeans can come together as EU and Britishers can come together as Commonwealth, why can’t all vodka lovers come together and form a new union? After all vodka only spreads happiness unlike the hatred spread by these confederations or groups. Our mission should be to unite all happy people.
- Vladimir Putin (In the Confidential Report)
The plan, copies of which are currently with TNN, plans on granting Russian citizenship to people across the globe who consume heavy amounts of vodka. As per the plan Vladimir Putin is supposed to make an announcement at the UNO headquarters which would state that people living in countries where vodka consumption is more than 1.1 shots per month per person will be granted Russian citizenship immediately.
The local Russian consulate would start sending out the passports immediately after the announcement. Once each and every person has received their Passport, Russia would put forward the proposal that these countries be declared parts of the Russian confederation since these countries will already be populated with Russians in huge numbers.
TNN also learnt that the whole plan is based on the concept that if A=B and B=C then surely A=C.
Just like (A=B and B=C, hence A=C ) holds true, similarly All Russians = Drink vodka, People all over the world = Drink vodka, hence All Russians = People all over the world.
- Russian Plan
The Russians have come up with a very scientific method for deciding whether or not a country would fall under the Russian Confederation. As part of its plan it has decided to focus only on countries that have large per person vodka consumption.
As per the leaked report, Russia would focus only on countries that have an average consumption of more than 1.1 shots per person per month. Also, in order to justify its mass takeover and orchestrate a feeling of fair-play, the Russian authorities have decided to use the figures of vodka consumption released by the EU last week. As per the data released, the US, Canada, Australia, Israel, and Germany consume way more than the 1.1 shots figure.
As per the plan, the confederation would initially be called the Group of Happy countries, or the GOHC for short, because of the happiness provided to these countries through vodka, and it would function on similar lines as the EU, the Commonwealth, and other like-minded groups.
But as the happiness levels in these countries reach their peak, people would feel the urge to be united and that is when Russia would seize the opportunity and unleash this brilliant world-domination strategy.
Author: Anshul Srivastava