Screwing with CJ: Snowside Chat With Santa Claus [Exclusive]
North Pole: In this exclusive interview TNN correspondent Anshul a.k.a CJ drills Santa Claus about his role in spreading the gift culture during the most pious week of the year. The discussion also covered some unknown facts about the life of Santa, like his source of income.
CJ: Hello and welcome, Mr. Claus, thank you for agreeing to be our first guest on Screwing with CJ. It’s a pleasure to have the most overrated old man on the planet in the most under anticipated interview of the decade.
Santa Claus: Well, you can simply refer to me as Santa. Mr. Claus sounds too formal. Also, that’s what my wife addresses me as when I return home late after delivering gifts.
CJ: Okay, Santa. You have been accused of turning Christmas into an event that is more about Santa Claus and less about Jesus. How do you respond to such accusations?
Santa Claus: Well, my dear CJ, Santa is just like a one-night stand while Jesus is like a long-term relationship. Santa provides you a moment of happiness in this materialistic world, while Jesus claims to provide happiness beyond this materialistic world.
CJ: Santa, we are having a serious interview here and not socializing, so please don’t use terms like dear.
Santa Claus: Okay, homeboy, I will keep that in mind.
CJ: Moving to the next question. There is a misconception that you come and distribute toys on Christmas eve. Why haven’t you refuted these claims being spread for centuries?
Santa Claus: What’s your problem, fatso. Who doesn’t like some free publicity? Children’s faces light up when they realize someone is going to give them a gift on Christmas and for a change it’s not going to be their scrooge-like parents.
CJ: They spend their entire Taco Bell childhood believing in a lie and you don’t seem to care. Come up with something more appropriate Santa. We have learnt that you get a commission from toy manufacturers every year for keeping your mouth shut.
Santa: Yes. They give me some money, but it is more of a donation to help me arrange for my reindeer’s annual diet.
TNN Exclusive: Santa admits to receiving a commission from toy manufacturers.
CJ: Some money, Santa? You have been rated among the 10 richest fictional characters of all times. I have never seen someone lie with so much ease.
Moving on. Where do you live?
Santa: North Pole.
CJ: Which country does it fall in?
Santa: It is a disputed territory, presently it doesn’t fall in any country.
CJ: So you don’t pay taxes?
CJ: So apart from being an agent of toy manufacturers you are also a tax-evader.
Santa: WTF! How can you claim shit like that? Are you out of your mind?
TNN Exclusive: Santa Claus takes to abuse after CJ proves that he is a tax-evader in North Pole.
CJ: Let’s get back to the interview. What do you do for a living, other than making commissions off toys?
Santa: I participate in the inter-galactic Santa sleigh competition every year and I have been winning it for the last 2,000 years. So, you can can think of me as a sportsman.
CJ: Wow! I had no idea there were other Santas from other worlds and galaxies.
Santa: Relax, boy. I am just messing with you. I export marijuana after importing it from the states where it is legal in the US of A. That’s good money, fatso.
CJ: Stop calling me fatso. You are the one with a fat belly.
Santa: It’s not a fat belly, weirdo. It’s a beer belly.
CJ: WHATever! Moving on. If you were offered a role in a Hollywood flick, whom would you like to portray?
Santa: Kim Jong-un.
CJ: Don’t use that name on our network, old man.
Santa: Kim Jong-un.
CJ: Alright, this Interview is over! Unless you want to get slayed, hop onto your sleigh and get going.
Until next time, folks, the name is CJ and I don’t need your vehicle.
Author: Anshul Srivastava