Screwing with CJ: Donald Trump Interview [Exclusive]
Somewhere in the United States: In this exclusive interview, I, TNN’s Creative Jughead a.k.a CJ, drill Donald Trump about his dream of becoming President of United States Of America, his comments on Muslims, and his apparent hatred of Mexican immigrants. The interview also shed some much needed light on what Trump plans to do in case he loses the Presidential race.
CJ: Hello and welcome, Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to be our guest on Screwing with CJ. It’s a pleasure to talk nonsense to a person who rarely speaks something sensible.
Trump: Thank you, CJ. I have always been the best at whatever I do. I feel honored to have trumped TNN and become the entity that dished out the most nonsense in 2015. I promise that 2016 will be the most nonsensical year in American and world history, thanks to me.
TNN Exclusive: Trump admits he is running for the White House for personal reasons.
CJ: Mr. Trump, everyone wants to know, what made you decide to enter the US Presidential elections.
Trump: To be very honest with you, I am not in this Presidential race for any political, socio-economical, or patriotic reasons. This is about me and my personal biases.
CJ: Personal biases? That’s interesting. Can you please explain ?
Trump: I am sure you are aware that there are Trump towers across the world. If I like a building, I buy it. If I don’t own a building, I try to get its naming rights. This one time I was driving past a white building in Washington DC and my secretary told me that I could get hold of that building only if I become President of the United States. So here I am.
CJ: Mr. Trump, as part of your electioneering you made some nasty comments about immigrants, especially Mexicans. Your comments regarding Muslims have also stirred up quite the pot. A lot of our readers have sent us the same question they want us to ask you. They wish to know, what were you thinking? If at all you were thinking.
Trump: I will give you a short and sweet answer. CJ, money is the most important thing in my life. If I am not financially involved with you, it means I hate you.
CJ: But you have business interests in the Middle East, wouldn’t your financial interests be hurt by such comments?
Trump: Nope. I can bet your life on it and still win. What you folks don’t realize is that the leaders in that part of the world are just like me. I have more in common with them then I have with Americans. They appreciate hypocrisy.
CJ: Let’s move to, what you would call, the business end of the conversation. What if you don’t win this election?
TNN Exclusive : Trump believes that Canada is part of US.
Trump: Firstly, that’s an impossible scenario. I am rich. I speak only from the heart without giving reason a chance. I will build walls across borders and I will ban Muslims. You give me one good reason why I will not win this election? But just in case, by a fluke of a chance, if I don’t win, I already have a plan B. I have bought land in northern Canada and will build a White House there.
CJ: Why Canada? Why not somewhere in the US?
Trump: (Looking at his advisors) None of you ever told me that Canada is not part of the US. When did they form an independent state?
Trump: (Looking at us) Remove this part of the interview or else you will no longer be welcome in Trump’s America.
CJ: Calm down, Mr . Trump. Let’s lighten the discussion a bit. Do you have any other plans for the future, other than the elections?
Trump: Yes. I am writing a book. A number of independent documentaries on me, funded by me, are currently in the making. Win or lose, I am going to leave a mark in world history.
CJ: Mr. Trump, as you are aware, TNN had announced yesterday that we have decided to confer on you the title of the most nonsensical Person Of The Trumped Year (POTTY). How do you feel about this?
Trump: I feel honored to be bestowed with such an award, especially by my own portal.
CJ: Excuse me. Your own portal?
Trump: (Looks surprised) Doesn’t TNN stand for Trump News Network?
CJ: No, Mr. Trump. This is Total Nonsense News. We are based out of Bangalore, India and we are in no way, shape, or form associated with anything that has been trumped since the Republicans fielded their Presidential candidates.
Trump: (With a look of disbelief on his face) Check his papers and throw him out of our country. Internet is an American technology. Who allowed these foreigners to use it to spread their anti-fascist and anti-despotic propaganda? Internet was created by Americans, for Americans. (Walks out of the interview shaking his head in disbelief).
We had to wrap up this interview then and there. Until next time, if you are not a fascist — Stay hungry. Stay foolish. Die hungry. Die foolish.
Author: Anshul Srivastava